


my dick is dead. can i bury it in your asshole?

by youngtomatoes (orphan_account)



Series: dumb fluffy 5sos oneshots [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, M/M, but calum is into it???, fluff?, michael is rly dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 20:13:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5219270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/youngtomatoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"YOU are being ridiculous, Michael. You shouldn't have to work hard to get anyone to go out with you. Just be yourself."</p><p>Unfortunately, Michael took Luke's advice a little too seriously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my dick is dead. can i bury it in your asshole?

**Author's Note:**

> just a dumb thing i did to avoid reading the odyssey

"I don't get why he won't go on a date with me, Luke. You need to help."

"Why should I help you? When have you ever done anything for me?"

"Loads of times, come on! You're being ridiculous."

"YOU are being ridiculous, Michael. You shouldn't have to work hard to get anyone to go out with you. Just be yourself."

Unfortunately, Michael took Luke's advice a little too seriously.

\o/

"Calum!" Michael shouted, desperately trying to catch up with Calum, who stopped and turned to face him.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"My dick is dead. Can I bury it in your asshole?"

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, it's just... I wish you were soap. so I could feel you all over my body."

"Michael, what is going on?"

"Okay there was a point to this. I'm here to tell you some news."

"And that news is?"

"I got a new job as a businessman. I work in orifices. Got any openings?"

"Alright, I'm leaving," Calum said with a roll of his eyes, turning away from Michael and continuing his walk back to his dorm. He couldn't believe he was actually hopeful about what the dick was going to say to - or possibly ask - him.

"Calum, wait, please."

Calum stopped and shut his eyes tightly for a moment before deciding he was not in an awful mood and Michael was awkward in general; maybe he really didn't know how to get his point across.

"What do you want, Michael?"

"I want you to go on a date with me. Tonight. I already talked to Ashton and explained to him how desperate I was to get you, so he made other plans. I'll pick you up at 7:00."

Calum was surprised at Michael's sudden change from awkward teenager to large-and-in-charge hot guy, to say the least. He blinked wide-eyed a couple times before letting out an "o- okay" with a quickly reddening face.

"Good. See you then."

Calum turned around and once again continued his walk back home.

"Oh and Calum?" they both turned around one last time. "You should sell hot dogs."

"Why?"

"Because you already know how to make a wiener stand."


End file.
